If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
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*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
My birthstone is pecan pie.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
🤔😂😂
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.