If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
You Might Also Like
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
based al yankovic
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies