If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
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Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*