If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
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*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?