If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
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“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Wikigenius
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan