Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.