If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
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Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
😾
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!