If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
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Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
are there any atheist mantises?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
New tinder profile pic
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?