If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.