Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

How do you get into the School of Rock?

You rock enroll.

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

i choose….tongue

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway