If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
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My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
he looks great for his age
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.