If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
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“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question