Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

just having fun

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.