Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

Who says great literature is dead?

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no