If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
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Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Made something I’m not proud of
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Alexa turn off the planet
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.