Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

Are you ok, human???

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

the worm is coming from inside the brain

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.