If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Okay me first
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
this is the kind of friend i am
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.