If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
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($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.