If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
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The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
God has abandoned us.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!