If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
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I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO