Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?