Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.