If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
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Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.