If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
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The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”