If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
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One cake enters. No cake leaves.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Love is always patient and kind.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.