If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
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Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Can. I. Help. You.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
It’s the weekend y’all
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again