Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.