If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
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no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Just this preview of the story is enough
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.