If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
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interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Who knew!
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.