If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
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PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
he was correct
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Netflix: We have Less
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Now this is how you LinkedIn
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.