If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
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I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
want me to check your oil?
Muppet Screams
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.