If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
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I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
The best shot in the history of golf
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants