Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Battery falling down a hole

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁