If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
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Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not