Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second