Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

This bar smells like my childhood.

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.