Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299