Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.