If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
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Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
“time flies” then why the hell is it still January bro
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I’m the neighbor
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.