If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
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I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
this is the news I live for
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
My favorite type of men is ramen.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago