If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
You Might Also Like
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.