If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
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Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
happy mother’s day❤️
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week