Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

This was a bad idea all around

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

💀💀

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

crying

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.