Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies