If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
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My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.