If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
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ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Poetry is my passion
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.