Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

dude it’s called proctologist

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!