If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs