If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that