Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.