If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
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If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”