Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

Note to self: always read the final line

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind