Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

The Punning Dead.

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

Somebody call the cops.

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’