If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Good morning
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”