Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?