If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
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If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.