If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
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“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
SCARY COSTUME
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
that colleague who touches your screen
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
What even happened today?
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.