If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
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My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.