If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
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Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”