If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Driving in Europe vs Canada
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
getting corrected