Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

@funTweeters

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*