God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
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mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
adam and eve had first world problems
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing