If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
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Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”