If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
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Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Buying a well is money well spent.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.