If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
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A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door