If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
You Might Also Like
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
no!! no!!!!!!
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine