If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
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Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?