If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
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Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Note to self: I am a note
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”