If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
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*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.