Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him