If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
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[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?