Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

The Friday File.

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

I can’t stop watching this.