Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

That 👊

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.