Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

When someone trying to leave me

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.