Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Money is the root of all wealth

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

journal

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

thanksgiving in nutshell

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something