If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
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milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
🔥🔥
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense