Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.

Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir