If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
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When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
the three branches of government
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?