If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Only short people can save us
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-