me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
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I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn’t use a private email server.
Dating is like playing musical chairs. Somewhere between 25&30 the music stopped& everyone grabbed a husband. I must’ve been in the bathroom
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.