@Dawn_M_

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

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@jonnysun

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

@LindaInDisguise

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

@EJGomez

satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo

@mattyglesias

Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn’t use a private email server.

@MaladjustedMind

Dating is like playing musical chairs. Somewhere between 25&30 the music stopped& everyone grabbed a husband. I must’ve been in the bathroom

@AngryRaccoon2

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

@ArfMeasures

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

@ashmensch

I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.